Squawks

[Another Guy]

Some aicraft jokes:


Here are some actual maintenance complaints logged by those Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.


(P) = Problem
(S) = Solution

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.

(P) Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
(S) Auto land not installed on this aircraft.

(P) # 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S) # 2 propeller seepage normal - # 1, # 3, and # 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(S) Something tightened in cockpit.

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believable level.

(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(S) Live bugs on order.

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold model produces a 200 fpm descent.
(S) Cannot reproduce problems on ground.

(P) IFF inoperative.
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
(S) That's what they're there for.

(P) Number three engine missing.
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.

(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right," and be serious.

(P) Target Radar hums.
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with words

Source

[odie]

Some aicraft jokes:


Here are some actual maintenance complaints logged by those Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

*snip*

Wahahhahahahaha. OMG OMG OMG!

This is so dam farni and good! Lol.

I just had lunch and i saw ur post, and i can understand all of it, SO UBER FARNI! Lol.

Here's another list of good ones:


And for all you frequent airline flyers ......

1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

2. Pilot-"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay in side the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

6. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."

11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!

12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

13. Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix,the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

16. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

17 After a particularly bad landing made from the right seat of a commercial airliner, the First Officer heard the Captain announce “Ladies and gentlemen, South West Airlines wishes to apologise for that rough landing provided today by our First Officer.” Some months later, the same crew was together and, sure enough, the Captain made an even worse one. The First Officer immediately jumped on the intercom, announcing, “Ladies and gentlemen, South West Airlines wishes to apologise for that rough landing provided today by our Captain.” The Captain turned angrily to his First Officer: “What did you say that for?” “Remember a couple of months back when you did that to me?” “But I never keyed the mike,” protested the Captain.

18. Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

[odie]

Haha,

Cant help it, i read the whole damn thing.

Here's extract of more good ones:
(Under Air Traffic Controls)

During the “rush hour” at Houston’s Hobby Airport, a flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it. The passengers were then told the new gate number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find that a third gate had been designated. After some further shuffling, everyone got on board and as they were settling in, the flight attendant made the usual announcement: “We apologise for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington DC. If your destination is not Washington DC, then you should deplane at this time.” A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. “Sorry,” he said, “wrong plane.”

The traffic was heavy and the weary local controller had apparently heard all the “blocked” and “stepped on” responses he could take when he made this transmission: “How come every time I key my mic, some idiot starts talkin’?”

Courtesy of Saturday Night Live: “The NTSB has determined that a frayed wire caused the spark that ignited vapours in the TWA 800 fuel tank. The wire became frayed when it was hit by a missile…”

At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer: “If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?” Among the forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay on board. With his team’s software, he said, “the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.”

The venerable Cessna 152 POH recommends testing the stall warning horn by placing a clean cloth over the stall vent and drawing a vacuum. When an instructor asked a student at our club how to test the stall warning horn, he replied, “place your mouth over the wing stall vent and suck hard till the siren goes off.” The instructor then asked, “What would you do if the vent was full of bugs and such?” The student pondered for a moment and then replied, “Ask the instructor to place his mouth over the wing stall vent and suck hard till the siren goes off…”

Overhead in London TMA: ATC: “N12345, descend to 3,000 feet on QNH 1019.”
N12345: “Could you give that to me in inches?”
ATC: “N12345, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH 1019.”



Laf your hearts out!
*A cheerful heart is good medicine!*

[odie]

Okie,

Nothing feminist here, but a galfrd sent me this:

Girlfriend 1.0, Can you help?

Can anyone help with this software problem my friend is experiencing?

Eighteen months ago he upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which he'd used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 2 and Playboy 6.1. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware beta-program, Party Girl 2.1 had many bugs and left a virus in his system, forcing him to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually he tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to all his hardware.

Sensing a way out, he upgraded to Fiancée 1.0 only to discover that this product has to be upgraded to Wife 1.0. He did this largely because, whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2000. However my friend discovered that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. For example, any mistakes he made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted, they then resurfaced months later. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail porn filter, and can, without warning, launch Photostrop and Whingezip. These latter products have no helpfiles and he has to try and guess the problem himself.

Additional costly problems are that the Wife 1.0 bundle that came with the original system needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser Pro for new attachments and Hairstyle Express needs to be reinstalled every other week. It also conflicted with some of the new games he wanted to try, stating that they are an illegal operation. When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to his Audi TT programme it often crashes or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law, which can't be turned off.

Recently he's been tempted to try Mistress 2000, but there could be problems, if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000 it will delete all MS Money files before un-installing itself.

Tough one? Any suggestions???

[Destructavator]

Here's a few quick ones from random sources:

Medical:
"Hey Doc, it hurts when I do this-"
"Then don't do that."

Philosophical:
"While the eagles may soar through the sky, weasels do not get sucked into jet plane engines."
- (Unknown)

A forum profile signature from somewhere on the net I can't remember:
"Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, computers are from Hell."

From musicians like myself (you might not get this one if you don't know how to read music/theory):
"What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft?"
"A Flat Minor."
"Yeah, and even if the poor guy moved a whole step over (up), He would still B Flat!"

[odie]

Here's a few quick ones from random sources:

Medical:
"Hey Doc, it hurts when I do this-"
"Then don't do that."

A forum profile signature from somewhere on the net I can't remember:
"Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, computers are from Hell."

From musicians like myself (you might not get this one if you don't know how to read music/theory):
"What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft?"
"A Flat Minor."
"Yeah, and even if the poor guy moved a whole step over (up), He would still B Flat!"

Haha, these 3 are farni.

Esp the piano one.... poor miner (minor) flatted. lol. lol.

[Duke]

Great stuff, guys
Here's another one:

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. Africans drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.